In the darkest time of the year, when days are the coldest and shortest, I remember the warm pinks, peaches, yellows and purples of a summer sunset. Floating in salty ocean water, held in the soft, velvety light.
The memory begins with me wading into the ocean slowly. My feet and legs like the cool water. Waist deep, I dunk and swim until my cold-shock response eases. I find a spot to float, the cool water under me and warm air touching my skin above feels good.
I breathe in blue sky. There are purply-grey clouds up above, too. Soft yellows, pinks and oranges are reflected on the water around me. There are moored boats and the shiny black head and eyes of a seal surfacing to breathe. I hear bits of people, dog and seagull voices and when my ears submerge it is quiet inside of the ocean.
Ocean smells change with the phases of the moon and tides, currents, the amount of algae and more. In this memory, I smell a sulphury breeze of decaying seaweed and algae at the shore. The current has drawn brownish silty water from a nearby river. When I am floating, nose near the water, the ocean is deliciously fresh and smells full of life.
As I float, I feel soft and quiet inside; touching and being touched by water. I say hello to the ocean and the air and a tingle of pleasure visits accompanied by a heavy hollow of sad in my chest and throat. I say thank you and sorry. I hum with the ocean with gratitude. There is a felt sense* of my impact as a white settler, a tension inside telling me to do more, take less.
This memory brings a felt sense of relationship and warmth and longing for more justice and less harm. As the dark turns to light what do you want to connect with? What do you long for and value?
- felt sense is your embodied inner experience of sensation, feeling and knowing
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